I’m the guy who sucks
On every team, there’s one of them: a player who does not belong. He could be bad. He could be overpaid. He could be a damned fool. Even in the age where player performance is evaluated to the smallest degree, the rules of poker apply: if you can’t spot the sucker on a team, you’re the sucker.
Here are the suckers in the AL.
AL EAST
Boston: Julio Cesar Lugo. The Red Sox played a major role in bringing “newfangled” stats like On-Base Percentage into the public consciousness by being the first team that embraced the new stats to win the World Series. Then they signed Julio Lugo. A good OBP is .340, though for a talented shortstop, you might be willing to make an exception. Lugo is a TERRIBLE shortstop, so his .294 mark in his last full season is rotting-carrots bad. The Red Sox won the World Series that year, too, despite Lugo. The worst part about this piece of garbage is that every time he comes up to the plate, he looks like he’s the most serious player in baseball, and that such a study will eventually lead to a positive offensive contribution. But the truth is he just sucks really, really bad.
Lugo represents the culmination of the downward trend from Nomar to Orlando Cabrera to Edgar Renteria to Alex-es Gonzalez and Cora. Jed Lowrie is a beacon of hope, but his star, while potentially luminous, is not exactly blinding. Still beats the f*cking darkness, though.
New York Yankees: Brett Gardner. Ah yes, center fielder for the New York Yankees. Who do you think of? Joe D? The Mick? Bernie? How about Brett Gardner? Alright, you’d be forgiven for not thinking of a man who, before this year, had a whopping 9 home runs — in the minor leagues. It’s too soon to tell whether he’ll be a serviceable major league player, but if he does, it will likely be in a blue uniform that says “Kansas City” on the front, and part-time, at that.
The best thing ever written about the Yankees’ delusional approach to their center field situation this decade — that is, let Bernie Williams hang on waaaay too long, then replace him with Melky Cabrera, who was bad enough to be replaced by Brett Gardner — was written by the Baseball Prospectus boys ‘n girls in their 2006 annual in the Yankees entry, which is still quoted in these parts:
During the 2004-2005 offseason, the Yankees declined to pursue the free agent center fielder Carlos Beltran—a player who couldn’t have fit their needs more perfectly if his name had been Carljoe DiMickmantleran.
Baltimore: Gregg Zaun. In Gregg Zaun’s defense, everyone knows why he’s there. Due to the complex rules of baseball free agency and arbitration, the Orioles couldn’t bring up Superstar Phenom Guy Matt Wieters up from the minors until May 1st, or they risk losing him to [Boston/New York/Chicago/L.A.] one year earlier, and they have decided to wait longer than that. And in Gregg Zaun’s defense, he could be a really nice guy, as most non-Pierzynski catchers are. His teammates probably love him. the problem is he can’t really hit anymore, and he’s a backup playing full-time. He doesn’t fundamentally suck, like Lugo, but he’s in over his head at the moment. I feel bad putting him on this list, but not bad enough not to do it: I’ve seen him try to throw runners out this year and fail, following it up with an “Oh Jesus, I cannot be that bad” look. Rage against the dying of the light, my friend.
Toronto: Raul Chavez. It is possible I am the world’s biggest Rod Barajas fan (or at least one of two). However, even I will admit that if you are the backup to Rod Barajas, your career is probably not long for this world.
Tampa (Bay): Troy Percival. Insofar as the ability to “close” games actually exists apart from pitcher skill, Percival may once have had this ability. But one suspects he is living off his reputation from the 2002 playoffs and that crazy, primal scream he pulled when they won it all, and more importantly, beat the Yankees. This overlooks the fact that Barry Bonds’ home run from Game 2 off Percival is still orbiting an as-yet undiscovered planet, and that he makes nearly $4 million dollars this year to have a 5ish ERA. He’s probably the worst pitcher in their bullpen, and the one Rays fans would least like to see in a pressure situation. He is their closer.
That’s bad.
AL CENTRAL
Cleveland: Carl Pavano. Too easy. I Googled “Carl Pavano Sucks” and found the Carl Pavano Sucks Forum.
It was the first result. Let’s give this a Simmons-esque “Good times” and steal some entries:
Pavano actually found a way to injure his ass. His ass! This clown is too much already. He’s pitched so few innings this decade, his face should be put on the back of a milk carton, not on the front of a baseball card. He’s a Jacka
ss.
waste of money no good loser.hes not a true yankee.hes not even abaseball palyer.am embrassed when i read about him in the news paper because my dead grandma is more active than he is in baseball.
Who found the picture of him in a Yankee Jersey ??- Wow, he should be wearing a bank robbers mask ! Whatta bum
And lest you think it’s only Yankee fans that are in on the fun, let’s hop into the comments over at our buddy Cleveland Frowns‘ wonderful, often combative blog during Pavano’s first start:
Oh: Pavano hit for 5 through 2 innings. Duh.
Haha
And
I guess Carl’s 45 ERA has place to go but down his next start.
Chicago: Bartolo Colon. There’s a pattern with Bartolo Colon. He signs with a new team every year. That team’s fans thinks, “Maye this is the year he stops gaining weight and learns a third pitch.” Everyone laughs at them, especially as they get worked up over Spring Training box scores. Then he sucks. Like really, really bad.
Kansas City: Sidney Ponson. Almost identical to Bartolo Colon, but able to not get hurt, which gives him the ability to suck even more than Colon. Is a knight of the order of the Dutch empire, which is just freaking awesome, because there’s a strong, strong argument that he is, all things considered, the worst player in baseball. It’s a sign of screwed-up baseball economics that Kansas City did everything right with Zack Greinke, a phenom who struggled with social anxiety disorder, and nurtured him to become one of the five best pitchers in the game… and they still have to sign this clown to start every fifth day, thus ruining their playoff chances and the hopes of their fans, who are some of the best in the game. Of course, Kansas City’s main problem might be that Alex Gordon, once considered a hitting phenom to match Greinke’s pitching star, could also be on this list, but no one’s going to beat Ponson, who inspired this post and some research into his past to explain how it all went so horribly wrong.
Detroit: Dontrelle Willis. A national tragedy, but one we all knew was coming. He was a breakout star in his rookie year with the Marlins; he was the kid who had always been the best athlete around and, as a result, just did things his way and always got away with it. It’s one thing to lay off Tim Lincecum’s mechanics in the spirit of “whatever works,” but the D-Train might be a different story. He’d corkscrew up in his large frame and whip his body around, only the arm would come faster than the entire body itself, trying to release all the energy he had built up… but you just knew he hadn’t. Too much wasted motion meant too much of it was staying in his arm and, six years later, he has basically washed out out of the game, on the DL half the time and ineffective the other half. This is tragic for several reasons: one, he was always smiling, and that’s always refreshing; two, he is black, and the number of black starting pitchers can be counted on one hand; and three, because you never want to see someone fizzle out before the age of 30 for something that was, essentially, not their fault.
On the bright side, he’ll probably pick up golf and make the PGA tour.
Twins: R.A. Dickey. R.A. Dickey is best known for having a pitch named “The Thing,” and having deployed it with great effect during one Sunday Night Baseball game against the Red Sox a few years ago. R.A. Dickey is terrible. He’s never had an ERA under 5 and never won 10 games in a season. I swear to God if it wasn’t for that one game he wouldn’t have a job. But he does. So it goes.
AL WEST
Angels: Maicer Izturis. It’s not so much that Maicer Izturis presents an affront to the game as much as HE IS THE DESIGNATED HITTER AND BATTING THIRD (* or was when I wrote this) that is the problem. But he still sucks. Honestly, as much as I’d like to commend the Angels for their small-ball, throwback ways, I just can’t accept some things about them. Or maybe not them, how people perceive them. F*ck, let’s just get to what I’m talking about.
Sports Illustrated picked the Angels to make the World Series this year and lose to the Mets. The Mets pick is wholly reasonable, provided you don’t ask a Mets fan, but the Angels pick is a little perplexing. Okay, a lot. The Angels lost in the first round of the playoffs last year, and subsequently lost their two best players to free agency. Their next-best player, Vladimir Guerrero, is great when he’s not breaking down, but is often breaking down. So let me get this straight: THIS is the team you pick to win it all? I call all sorts of bullshit on this. SI’s trying to sell copies by being edgy, and they think the Angels are edgy because they’re a smallball team. Well, they’re not. Everyone thinks they’re being clever by picking the Angels, but it defies logic in light of what has, you know, happened. For the record, SI did the EXACT same thing in the mid 1990s when they picked the Chiefs to win the Super Bowl over, and over, and over… The similarity is that they are both teams that are as good as teams that are ready to take the next step, but they are not ready to do so. The moment has passed.
Anyhow, if SI really wanted to be clever, you know who they would have picked? The Rays. Say: F*ck it, it wasn’t a fluke, and tell me why. I would have read that article.
But the Angels aren’t going anywhere with Maicer Izturis batting third.
A’s: Bobby Crosby. After Crosby’s sterling 2005, I remember a friend tell me that Peter Gammons picked him to with the 2006 MVP award. I love Gammons, but that was a sad moment in my life. Crosby hasn’t hit over .237 since. That’s bad, even for the A’s.
Rangers: Kris Benson. Andruw Jones is thanking his lucky stars Benson is on this team. I can’t find the Bill Belichick quote at the moment, but a few years ago he was asked about someone Jets-related who had been very critical of him, and Belichick said, “Is there anyone who has said more, and done less” than this guy? That’s how I feel about Benson, formerly of the Mets and currently still having his hot wife. He’s a big league pitcher with a hot wife. Great. Awesome. A) Why is this noteworty? B) Why does he LET it be noteworthy? The whole thing’s a circus that could be avoided. Enjoy Texas, f*cko.
Mariners: Mike Sweeney. I was begged to put Miguel Batista in this spot. He wrote poems and a book, so I can’t do that. Instead, it’s Mike Sweeney. The entirety of what I know about Mike Sweeney is that he really, really loves Jesus and he used to be a really good hitter. In fact, I really have nothing against him other than that he’s washed up. But he’s washed up in a peculiar way that annoys me. The Mariners, as I will write about at some point in detail, are likely the official 2009 team of The Great Baseball Blog, and he just doesn’t fit. Griffey’s the good way to do “washed up veteran” (yeah, I said it); Sweeney shows a distinct lack of imagination. If you’re going to have Russell Branyan on the team, let doggy swing for the fences and show Sweeney the door.
I might do the National League at some point soon, but honestly it’ll be like shooting fish in a barrel.
