The All-Boston-Name Team

C Mike Piotser
(Mike Piazza)

One of the most underrated parts of the Boston accent is the ability to place r’s where they don’t belong, not only to remove them from the ends of words. I once worked with a woman named “Glenda” who my boss most certainly called “Glender.” Same goes with Piazza here — the r’s lost from his infield would find their way to the end of his name. Note: it’s this effect that separates the all Boston-team from the all-pirate team (not to be confused with all-Pirates team).

1B Mahk McGwiah
(Mark McGwire)

Forget about the steroids, we’ll take him. The show he put on at the 1999 Home Run Derby was fairly legendary… almost as legendary as the show Pedro put on the next day in striking his ass out. But you can’t hold that against a guy.

2B Dustin Pedroier/Bobby Doah
(Dustin Pedroia/Bobby Doerr)

If we can pick Sawx, we’ll pick Sawx. Bobby Doerr is one of the five Sawx to have had his numbah retieid above right field; Pedroier is our mighty mite of the present. Gotta love that.

SS NOMAH
(NOMAR)

The greatest Boston name and player combo ever, period, end of story.

3B Pie Traynah
(Pie Traynor)

There were a bunch of suitable candidates for this one: Chippah Jones, Home Run Bakah, Clete Boyah. But: 1) Pie was born in Framingham, MA, making him a local boy, and 2) His name is Pie.

LF Cahl Crawfid
(Carl Crawford)

Another big mistake fake Boston-accentors make is to assume all r’s turn into a’s. They don’t. Hence, Crawfid. But that’s not enough to land him on this team: it’s the supreme awkwardness of the name “Carl,” avoided for so many years by just heeding to “Yaz,” that puts him over the top.

CF JUNIAH
(Ken Griffey Jr.)

Look, Tris Speaker should have won the vote here, but my 17-year-old self, while not watching re-runs of Wings and Saved by the Bell, stuffed the ballot box. If you will it it is no dream.

RF TROWT Nixon
(Trot Nixon)

Yeah, that first name was always fun.

SP Grovah Cleveland Alexandah
(Grover Cleveland Alexader)

It’s worth it for the mouthful alone, and the two r’s just make it right. I have a friend who’s a big baseball fan and whose last name is Alexander and who has, he said, expressed to his wife his desire to name his first son “Grover Cleveland.” This was years ago, and I’m sure the inspiration of passed, but I will say that it was 100 percent serious.

RP Eddie Guahdado
(Eddie Guardado)

As bad as Everyday Eddie has become, I would love for him to be on the Sox, just to hear Remy (get well soon) say his name every third day.

Manager: Spahky Andison
(Sparky Anderson)

Yeah, that’s how we’re going to end.