My Life With MLB Extra Innings: A Play In One Act

Bryan: Hi honey, I’m home!

I had a tough day at the office. I want some special attention. Give daddy some sugar.

What do you mean you don’t put out until 7? What type of bulsh!t is that? I heard you were getting it on a 11 a.m. today in Boston. Yeah, sorry I “work” so that we could enjoy these nights together.

It’s now 6:43 and every second is passing by like a glacier. Or at glacial speeds, I should say. Dammit — I can’t even get my metaphors right. You’re driving me nuts.

I need a sandwich.

Let’s check the fridge. I got salami, lettuce and mustard. Cheese anywhere? Probably not. The last time we had cheese was on Opening Day, when your ass was free to anyone who wanted you. You’re all like “Order now for a special $30 off the regular season price”? And I was all like, isn’t this the regular season? Andyou said, shut up and order me, big boy. 1-888-Sports-In.
And I did.

Oh sh!t! There IS a slice of cheese. This is going to be the best sandwich ever!

Oh no do NOT tell me that…

What do you mean I’m out of bread? I’ve got like four slices left!

What?

You mean to say I came home Saturday night all drunk and ate FOUR SLICES OF BREAD’s worthy of hummus while catching the end of Giants/D-Backs? Why the f*** would I watch Giants/D-Backs?

Alright, alright, “because I could.” Fair enough.

Guess I’ll eat this salami by itself, then. (opens bag, sniffs, is repelled) Oh, I guess I won’t. (takes giant bite out of head of lettuce) Still got lettuce though.

What did you just say?

What’s wrong with eating lettuce?

What do you mean I’ll never get big and strong that way? Like you would know! You’re a freaking PAY-PER-VIEW PROGRAM. And one that WON’T SHOW ME A G*DDAMN BASEBALL GAME WHEN I WANT TO SEE ONE. LIKE NOW.

Fine, I’ll calm down. I wonder what’s on some other channel. (turns to Seinfeld) Oh, that George. He’s crazy. (twiddles thumbs) He probably should have bought the more expensive envelopes. (paces around room) Alright, alright! (switches back to main Extra Innings screen, which just shows the complete list of forthcoming games. It is 6:52)

FOUL GODS, WHY MUST YOU DO THIS TO ME!

I’m getting a beer.

(does so) Ah yes, the pain disappears. (drinks in one sip) SEVEN MORE MINUTES? I’LL KILL YOU! (does that thing where you go to hit something but stop short, only to the cable box) Alright buddy, you want to play, I’ll play.

(switches to PBS, it’s the Nightly Business Report) I can do this all night. I just need some coffee… (falls asleep)

(Wakes up at 1 a.m., changes to Rockies/Dodgers in time to see the last pitch of 20-1 game) Yes, baseball! I love you!

Cable Box: “I love you too, Byron!”